Johnny Moronic Capturing: A Capper’s Life

Saw a couple of Australian films today (gee, it’s been a few months since I have).

First up I saw Cedar Boys, a film set in Sydney about a Lebanese boy, Tarek, who is looking for more in life than just being a panel beater. One of his friends, Nabil, steals a shitload of ecstasy pills from an apartment he cleans and also sets up the dealer he ripped off, who is arrested. Tarek, Nabil and another friend Sam decide to go into the drug dealing business. The friends quickly start to make money, but the people that they ripped off are on their trail and want revenge for their jailed mate.

Also, Tarek falls for an Aussie girl, Amy (Rachael Taylor) and they have a burgeoning relationship until Amy’s secret is let out.

I found Cedar Boys to be a fairly subdued film. Everything that happened seemed to be inevitable, so they slowly went about their business until it happened. When the heat is on from the drug dealers, the friends seem to accept that they are in trouble without any sort of emotion to it. It isn’t until the end when any of the friends do something about their situation and even then the ending is… bizarrely subdued.

And any film that has Wah Wah Nee playing at any stage, let alone in a strip club to strip to, automatically loses marks…

Anyway, Rachael Taylor seems to be in the film for ’star power’ (same for Martin Henderson and Daniel Amalm). Her role of Amy is quite small and I was never convinced of their relationship, hell I could barely accept that she would be with him just to score some coke. And her secret (SPOILER: she’s a stripper) seems out of place and Tarek’s reaction to this seems a bit rich for a drug dealer.

Her ’stripping’ scenes are fairly brief and uninspiring. She wears a bra and panties in both scenes and can barely muster up a dance (goes with the tone of the film I suppose).

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Later on I saw a preview of Beautiful Kate, the directorial debut of actress Rachel Ward, starring a pretty decent Australian cast including Ben Mendelsohn, Rachel Griffiths, the director’s husband Bryan ‘Bloody’ Brown, up and comer Maeve Dermody and a few bright newcomers like Sophie Lowe.

The prodigal son Ned (Ben Mendelsohn) has returned to his childhood country home for the first time in 20 years to visit his dying father (Bryan Brown) who is been looked after by his younger sister Sally (Rachel Griffiths). Ned has brought along his latest conquest, the flighty and much younger Toni (Maeve Dermody). Of course, Ned and dad don’t get along (hence the 20 years between meetings) and he wants to quickly get out there.

Then, the memories flood back.

It seems Ned had a twin sister, the titular Kate (Sophie Lowe) and she died 20 years ago. And their older brother Cliff also killed himself in guilt over her death. It also seems that the twins were close, disturbingly close. Ned decides to write down these memories (as he is a famous writer), but these writings and memories are going to stir up a helluva lot more than Ned wants them to, maybe even a reconciliation (of sorts) with his father.

This film is pretty well made. The subject matter is disturbing, but it is well told and the point of view memories of Ned are an interesting touch, giving those scenes a more personal perspective. The acting is all pretty solid, particularly from the old hands. Pretty newcomer Sophie Lowe (who’ll also be in another most likely disturbingly themed film, Blessed, out next month) was a standout amongst the younger cast having one of the tougher roles, dealing with the more disturbing stuff.

In regards to the nudity, 3 actresses get naked. Maeve Dermody has two scenes where she bares her breasts, one where she takes off her top as she walks away from her boyfriend and another after an aborted sex session. She also has two further scenes in a bra which you can see through. Sophie Lowe bares her breasts and briefly her rear in two scenes. And Briony Kent briefly shows her breasts in one scene and a down blouse in another.

Finally, here’s an interesting and brief article about Beautiful Kate and the nudity in the film, with Rachel Ward making some rather interesting comments: Star’s naked truth

Alright, it’s been out for a few weeks now, but it takes time to get around to these things. And then you gotta rewatch the series, even though you didn’t really like the series anywhere near as much as the first series. And then you have to go and compare all the videos you made off the TV version and the ones off the DVD and that’s a whole heap of fun…

The differences between what was aired and what is in the final cut is relatively minor. I found that there were four different or extended sex scenes in the entire series, all seem to be because there was a bit more ‘thrusting’ during the scenes. Some changes are only a few frames long. Some are completely different cuts of the scene.

Here are the changes in visual detail -

Scene 1 – Episode 3 – Anna Hutchison
TV Version

Uncut DVD version

Very brief change to this scene. The UNCUT version has less than a second of added footage, all to do with thrusting. A little bit more nudity too…

Scene 2 – Episode 3 – Anna Hutchison
TV Version

Uncut DVD version

This scene seems to be a different version to the one that aired.

In the UNCUT version, there’s some more pouring of champagne and some breast sucking (to get some champagne off, that’s all gee…). There’s some more thrusting and a blurred scene with more nudity. And finally there’s more breast sucking.

In the TV version, she drinks some champagne, more close-ups with no nudity and a different version of the blurred scene from a different angle.

Scene 3 – Episode 4 – Ellie Cork
TV Version

Uncut DVD version

There’s more sex and nudity at the start of the scene and a bit more bouncing breasts

Scene 4 – Episode 10 – Leonine Smith
TV Version

Uncut DVD version

Almost a completely different scene.

The UNCUT version has a lot more bouncing breasts and a fair bit more nudity.

The TV version has a camera that seems to move more in a blurred state (more than usual…) and an extra shot of blurred breasts.

In other scenes, there’s seems to be more bloody scenes. Both the George Freeman shooting and Les Kane murder seem more violent. I don’t know about anything else. There’s no extra scenes added to any episodes.

Also, whoever made the DVDs are sneaky buggers as I couldn’t rip them with any of the DVD ripping programs and could only extract files from an image. And some files are really hard to rip from (thankfully none that featured anything I was going to cap), but I wasted a fair bit of time working out how these DVDs work. I’ve never come across this before, I wonder if it this has happened with other DVDs.

You can view all watermarkless videos at Johnny Moronic Television.

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Series 3 was announced last week, officially titled ‘The Golden Mile’ (let the puns begin ). The series is to be set up in Sydney again, meaning that it is getting further away from its initial series. It looks like it will go over territory that was covered by the brilliant Blue Murder, which will probably to the series detriment. The last series paled in comparison when it went over areas that Blue Murder covered more succintly (and accurately for that matter). The series also seems to be focusing on the low lifes that hung around the sleazy Kings Cross, so you know what that means?

More T&A.

And more capping for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Well, I’m spent. That was an experience and a half.

Meat Pie is bad, Ed Wood bad.

So where do I start. How ’bout the plot?

Well Jono (Ed Kavalee) is left in charge of his father’s pie shop, he shuts up shop to ‘make love to’ the ‘mincer’. And in the love throes, he ’slices’ his penis off .

It's a slicer, not a mincer damn it

Jono then goes to Sydney (apparently to have a new penis sown on) and meets up with his friends Mandy (Jo Ashton), Fiona (Aphrodite Vuitton) and Shane (Paul He) who join him back in Wagga Wagga. Meanwhile, Jono’s so called best friend Dale (Xavier Fernandez) is conniving with a local university lecturer (Austen Teyshus) to shut down Jono’s father’s meat pie shop after he apparently ate a pie with Jono’s sliced off penis in it (replete with Prince Albert).

Jono tries to get back with his girlfriend Charlene (Erin Gray, not that one) after a donkey punch sex act goes horribly wrong. He attempts to have sex with her even though his penis isn’t ready to be used, so he uses one of his father’s sex toys (don’t ask). Dale is also conniving to get Charlene and is helped by Jono allegedly giving Charlene herpes, which actually came from the sex toy he was using from a cold sore that fell off Shane while he was licking it. Fiona is also after Jono, but being a wallflower has made Jono oblivious to her attraction.

She didn't look like that in the photo...

Just in time for the annual B and S ball, Jono’s new penis is finally unveiled and it is an emormous penis taken from a dead black porn star (and Jono is white). Fiona has a Queer Eye makeover (yeah, the film is already that dated) to impress Jono. It works and she gets to sit on his big black penis after all. Mandy, who’s sexuality has been gently prodded towards being a lesbian hooks up with Charlene, just seconds after dumping Dale, but involves him in a threesome. Dale then admits to Mandy that he prefers to have sex with dead people. Mandy is (rightfully) disgusted and Dale attempts to silence her. A chase ensues, with Jono getting into a fight with Dale.

Oh no, it happened again. Quick before it disappears

Dale falls off a (convenient) cliff, but grabs onto Jono’s penis, but the penis can’t hold the weight and it is ripped off as he falls to his death.

Jono falls into a coma and is given Dale’s normal sized penis. He and Fiona are now together. Shane (who’s apparently a closeted gay) gets the lawsuit against the meat pie store dropped by beginning an affair with the university lecturer.

Well, if you have read the above retelling of the film and not shaken your head is disbelief at least once, well, you’re a sick sick person. The funny part is, this isn’t even the half of it. This is just the plot. And the plot would barely scrounge 60 minutes in length. So there’s over 20 minutes of stuff that is added to pad the film out. Some of it is a lot worse than the plot synopsis, but all of it is baffling in one way or another.

First off there’s a bloke named Sammy Loora who turns up and talks to Jono’s dad, but nothing meaningful or even funny, just baffling snippets of padding. He even gets his own music and title card as he enters and exits each scene. Later on at the B and S ball, Sammy, still in the same clothes he wears for the entire film, pours some water on a bunch

Who is Sammy Loora?

of girl’s breasts during a wet T-Shirt component of the B and S ball (does that really happen?). Then there’s an aborted dance routine during the closing credits that he begins, then it cuts away to a baffling crane shot of Sammy walking away from the meat pie shop, just shrugging his shoulders, which sums it up perfectly.

I don’t know who Sammy Loora is, but the star Ed Kavalee said that the film was financed by a slumlord and the proceeds of a Mr Whippy (ice cream) van. I’ll let you make your own assumptions there…

Then there’s a bloke in a koala suit who randomly appears including in one of the most

Even the goat looks bored

baffling continuity errors I’ve ever seen. The Koala is first seen annoying Jono in his dorm for some unknown reason. Then it is seen fucking a goat then interrupted by Garnet Mae’s character complaining about want his turn, to which the koala suited bloke is seen fucking Garnet in one of the more baffling things I’ve ever seen. Not only that, we get to see the director’s tossle. And a closing credit scene with Japanese tourists seems like something out of a family album. I’m suprised the koala doesn’t attack the tourists as that seems to happen a bit too.

Finally is the producer/writer/director combo of Garnet Mae and Peter Furst who appear randomly throughout the film. Garnet, whose name is ‘Gmail Comedy’ which is unexplained, is more so than Peter. Twice the two are masturbating to rugby and mention it again later. Garnet also has sex with the koala suit bloke and the two are back together raiding a chook house for some more animal sex. Look, if you have your own private fantasies that are somewhat well, illegal and want to film them, fine, but don’t put them in your film. Here’s where I say that the illegal bestiality is fake, but I still get the feeling I will have to explain to the cops why I have this film.

Just a note on the reason for the film, a Ralph magazine article from the set has a quote from Jo Ashton where she says that Peter Furst wrote a scene in the film where he gets Jo to make out with him and rub his crotch. Hmmmmmm…

I recommend trying them out before you buy them.

The jokes are incredibly dated, even ones they may have seemed fresh at the time, particularly the gay ones. The meat pie store is called ‘Meat Pie for the Straight Guy’ and someone makes a Brokeback Mountain joke (which would have to have been done in reshoots as that movie wasn’t released to after the film was first shown). Then there’s two terribly flaming homosexuals who do a ‘Queer Eye makeover’. And also there’s the token Lord of the Rings ‘My Precious’ joke (about a penis piercing no less). That’s the problem with doing pop culture jokes, they are dated before going to air, just look at those awful Date Movie/Epic Movie films.

I ordered penis without the blurring, without!!!!

The acting is quite simply dizzy stuff. Only Johnny Boxer as Jono’s dad comes out of it with any dignity (if you could call it that). He basically plays himself and seems to be enjoying himself digging deeper and deeper into the mire of shit comedy this film has firmly placed itself. Everyone else looks like an amateur, including Ed Kavalee who seems to have moved on from this. He looks like a kid been let loose in a brothel and doesn’t know what he can and can’t do, particularly in the sex scenes. Paul He overdoes everything and I suppose you have to

That's what we're here for...

when you are constantly ejaculated over and then eventually pissed on.

The two Big Brother girls are there for recognition. Jo Ashton is there for the low cut tops and short skirts and for the couple of scenes they got her into her underwear and of course the girl-girl kiss. Her character has a lisp, but this lisp seems to carry on to ever word. Amazingly, she seems to keep the impediment for the entire film. Aphrodite Vuitton isn’t too bad, but she does have a habit looking at the camera. Another Big Brother member, in fact the winner of that year, Trevor Butler has a cameo as a doctor and isn’t too bad. Most of the other ‘actors’ either overdo it or are just plain awful. Austen Tahysus camps it up and I suppose you have to when your character is into perverse sexuality (like having sex with

I feel sorry for the emu

bird). The closing credits features him chasing an emu which just looks wrong. And Gabby Milgate of Muriel’s Wedding fame probably killed her career with this film, although playing a 600 pound woman in Feed probably contributed.

And as a nod to the Meat pie ‘trailor’ on You Tube, there 2 minutes of blank screen after the credits.

So there you go, it’s done and dusted, the most baffling film ever made in Australia (Yes, even more baffling than The Book of Revelation). The worst Australian movie ever? You could say that there’s a similarity to early John Waters films, but his films were way more funnier than this and far less baffling. Well at least the film has no illusions as to how awful it is. But you have been warned, it’s, it’s…

Caps and videos from the film are coming soon.

Too good to even get a local release, Meat Pie (now lazily titled ‘Going Down Under’ for American audiences), the notorious, unreleasable masterpiece from 2005 is now in my pretty little hands.

I’ve had a quick little look and well, the ‘trailor’ (as it is still tagged on YouTube) isn’t enough of a warning.

There seems to be a lot of (male) masturbation in the film. And who puts beastiality in a comedy?

So, here’s the Meat Pie ‘trailor’; I highly recommend from 3:00 onwards…

I’m sorry, I really am

Could this be the worst Australian film of all time? And what do you think is the worst Australian film of all time?

Stay tuned in the coming days for more info and a review.

So, Emma Lung’s character is a ghost, right?  That’s the twist, right…

The original trailer didn’t give it away.

At least Emma Lung makes good eye candy. She now needs a juicier role.

Had the fortune/misfortune (I still haven’t decided) to watch Prey on Tuesday night during it’s one week showing at the George Cinemas and well with not much more than a thousand dollars box office over the week, it should probably be considered a failure.

There were all sorts of factors for this, one I would put out is that it shown at a semi-arthouse cinema (which was the first time I’d ever being to, being that I live on the other side of town) in a trendy part of town, who I’d suggest wouldn’t have the time for a trashy B horror film. I’d suggest it would’ve done better at a suburban multiplex like Highpoint, Chadstone or even the Jam Factory, but maybe that was too expensive.

And it’s a failure considering a similar idea was done for the film Crush in Perth and it made $13,000 on one screen.

A lot of the film was made in studios not far from where I live, I can remember the local paper talking about Hollywood coming to town (Yeah, right… well Don Johnson’s son is in it). The cafe scene was at Truck City which is just down the road from where I live.

Then there’s the fact that it’s director is Oscar D’Roccster. Yeah, that’s a fake name. Initially it was directed by the other George Miller (the one of Neverending Story 2 and Gross Misconduct fame) and apparently he walked during post production. Hmm, don’t know why, but this film is no worse than his recent efforts.

The film itself, well… for the most part it plays up to it’s B-film status but it’s also seems a little forced in doing so. The bimbo aromatherapist has some terrible lines at inconvenient times, which I can’t remember, but they were pretty bad. There’s a token gay man, the American accents are bad although Prey is clearly set in Australia, the ladies breasts are hoisted high and an incredibly forced lesbian angle between the two Natalies (Walker and Bassingthwaighte) colminating in a unnecessary but not unwelcome kiss. And that rumoured girl-girl shower scene doesn’t seem to exist in that form although Miss Bassingthwaighte does have a full clothed shower scene, but anything to sell a film right…

And there is a bizarre cameo from former Ten newreader Jennifer Hansen as a ditzy waitress (just wondering if she’ll get those same complaints from those old people who on a weekly basis would complain about her newsreading) and surly cameo from poker champion Joe Hachem (playing internet poker no less).

If you take it the right way, as in a B-horror film, you’ll get more out of Prey, like I did. Sure it’s pretty sloppy, and gets a little too serious towards the end. But, it’s bad no matter which way you look at it.

Apparently it comes to DVD here in Australia in the next month or two, which is probably where it should’ve premiered. So, if you’re looking for the perfect film to laugh and make ‘witty’ comments at, Prey is that film.

Geez, I’ve been lazy, I should’ve said this a couple of weeks ago, but I saw the Australian film Two Fists, One Heart. It’s a solid coming of age story revolving around an amateur boxing champ and his relationship with his father/trainer, although it’s not completely successful, it’s still a good film with some well done boxing scenes.

That been said, Jessica Marais looks pretty damn fine in the film and she shows a little more than she does on Packed To The Rafters. She has a bikini scene while she’s in the ocean with Daniel Amalm, then there are 3 brief sex scenes, where you don’t really see anything, but it’s better than nothing. It’s shot in a style very similar to that of Underbelly, so it’s hard to see much in motion. It comes as no surprise that the director of this film has directed a number of episodes in the 2nd series of Underbelly.

But of course, as with most Australian films, it’s bombing badly at the box office, but it has the backing of Disney, which should give the film some hope overseas, unlike most Australian films.

Then there’s Salvation, released on the same day, which is officially been seen by two people and a dog (and the two people walked out), with only $3000 at the box office. It was almost impossible to get to a session of the film. Funnily enough it’s still playing once a day during the week. Let’s just say that there’s no audience for Paul Cox films anymore. His previous film, Human Touch, didn’t do much better. In fact, it barely got a DVD release. I’m not holding out hope for this been widely available on DVD either.

Apparently Natasha Novak is naked in the film, but I cannot confirm this. But, there’s always nudity in a Paul Cox film…

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Don’t bother getting the Anchor Bay DVD release of the British mini-series, The Devil’s Whore. What an appalling decision to get what looks like the American version, where nearly all the nudity is either cut out, or heaven forbid, zoomed in. You know what, there’s still nudity, but so brief and pixelated, that it ain’t worth bothering with. An entire argument is cut short just because it has nudity, almost rendering the scene unintelligible.

It’s great that they kept in someone blowing their brains out, a beheading, an almost hanging and various other scenes of quite full on violence though.

Well, at least it wasn’t as bad as the recent showing of Fanny Hill on ABC which was butchered with a rusty carving knife, over 15 minutes shorter than the UK DVD version.

Another sloppy sourcing by an Australian distributor. Wouldn’t expect anything less considering past examples, with the latest release of In the Realm of the Senses being the most recent example of lazy sourcing.

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Still, there was the ‘furore’ over the girl-girl kissing scene on Home and Away that aired last Tuesday. Admist rumours that it was toned down after initial (and most obvious) backlash from family groups, the scene turned out to be one of the biggest fizzers of all time. In fact more was said in the quite lengthy lingering look that took place on the Friday before episode. It was much more touching and was a quite pleasant surprise as to how well that scene was handled. The kiss on the other hand was rushed and almost painful, suggesting that maybe there is some truth to the rumours. (See both scenes here)

It’s also good to see family groups commenting on how this kiss will corrupt the youth, most likely into homosexuals themselves. It’s also good to see that they had nothing to say over the lengthy girl-girl kiss that aired a month before on Home and Away. Or the pill-popping and drug dealing scenes. Or a bashing. Or a man threatening violence against teenagers, ending in a stabbing. Or a topless nude scene from behind. And it goes on and on and on…

Some family show…

Saw the new Australian film Beautiful yesterday and well, it has ambitions that far outweigh the results, but at least it’s an Australian film that tries for something more than just another ‘life is miserable’ story. That’s not to say that it isn’t one. Ultimately the film fails and will join the long line of long forgotten Australian films, so it looks like we’re heading towards another disappointing year of Australian film.

Tahyna Tozzi in Beautiful

Has an interesting cast though, including two actresses that have barely appeared in Australian productions recently in Peta Wilson and Deborah Lee Furness, both who are pretty good here. And Asher Keddie is almost unrecognisable from her current role in Underbelly. It’s the men get the short shrift here.

Oh, and I left out one important aspect that this site delves into. If you’ve seen the trailer or even just the poster you’ll see a lot of Tahyna Tozzi (Australia’s answer to Megan Fox) and early in the film we are given the site of Tahyna lying on a chair in the rain in a one piece bathing suit, all so very cold. Throughout the film, she is in various states of sexiness as she plays the requisite ‘cock tease’ (the film’s words, not mine), some sexy dancing, but no nudity. Peta Wilson still looks great and has a brief clothed sex scene and there’s some random nudity of a woman ironing.

In the coming weeks, we’ll have some awesome chicks in Australian films coming to the cinema. On the 19th we have Jessica Marais in ‘Two Fists, One Heart’ and the weeks after (apparently) there’s ‘Crush’ with Emma Lung (bikining up in the trailer!), Brooke Harmon and Jenna Lind. Also it looks like dodgy American accents ahoy in Crush.

Should be some Australian stuff up on the website on the weekend too.

And ten points to those who get which film the title comes from.

Well, Underbelly broke viewer number records with it’s series premiere and deservedly so. It’s a quality series about the criminal underworld of Melbourne (with a little bit of New South Wales thrown in this series).

Personally, I thought the opening was a tad slow on revealing details, but that’s fine, there’s plenty of the series to flesh those details out. Episode 4 was a return to form as the action switched to a bigger focus in Melbourne.

One thing that has come out from the series so far is that people are complaining about the sex and nudity in the show. Just one question to those people:

“Didn’t you watch the first series?”

(Here’s where I mention that I have only watched the first 5 episodes of the first season, for legal reasons…)

There was plenty of nudity, including plenty of the gratitious kind in the first series. I distinctly remember a scene where two men pick up a couple of strippers at a strip club then go to a hotel room and have a massive sex fest including girl-on-girl action. And that’s just the start. This is nothing new for Underbelly and it wasn’t to be unexpected, as the purveyors of filth producers had fortold what to expect in the new series.

These people have obviously not watched Satisfaction.

Now who are you talking about?

Channel 9 are clearly revelling in this publicity. Snippets of info about upcoming nudity have been ‘leaked’ to the media. One such snippet that it getting plenty of use is the character of Chopper Read showing a full frontal in a jail shower scene. That was also included with the info that the actual Chopper Read was very interested to play his younger self. Make of that what you will…

Anyway, yesterday’s (28/2) Herald Sun (also on the web) has a front page banner trumpeting an ‘interview’ with the actress who has shown the most nudity, Anna Hutchison. The ‘interview’ is brief and the article smells of publicity, but one little sentence peaked my interest:

“The scenes spawned at least one porn website devoted to the show.”

You mean this pissy little site? Heh, I’m wondering whether they are.

And if they are, you could’ve at least put a link to the site.

Come on, we’re working on the same side of the street here. Yours is a Rupert Murdoch owned ‘newspaper’ that revels in the sleaze, hell a couple of pages on from the Underbelly article is an ‘article’ that was basically a woman modelling various bathing suits. Hang on, isn’t that what I do. The Murdoch owned papers never miss an opportunity to have some women show a bit of tit (although they can’t show nudity anymore here, but if they were allowed too…)

And I’m not totally devoted to Underbelly. Haven’t you seen the new update! I will admit that Underbelly has definitely increased the traffic to this site to the point that it’s starting to struggle longer than it usually does after a new update. This site has been linked to a lot more than usual, even more than when I released stuff from Satisfaction. And a few more new visitors to the site have decided to help themselves to even more of the site. The more the merrier, I say.

If there is some other site, please tell me so I can stop making a fool of myself.

So please, keep enjoying the site, but how ’bout a shout out for a fellow pervert newsman.

I’m going to give this another go. Getting a (semi-)regular blog up about the site and issues that come up. I’ve thought about it a number of times since the first version of the blog collasped in mid 2006. This time I think I’ll be less worried about updating it all the time. We’ll see…

Anyway, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t done too many updates in the last month. That’s because of a combination of reasons that have colminated in me being not that particularly motivated to do any collages.

But, fear not, I have still been watching plenty of stuff, including 2 entire series of ‘Good Guys, Bad Guys’, which I’d forgotten how many pretty ladies were guest stars on that show, not only that, but how funny Tourette’s syndrome is… Also, what an oddball show that was… Look out for that and more in the coming weeks.

And of course, Underbelly:  A Tale of Two Cities.  That show could break this site.